There is madness in me and my siblings. It is mostly due to the environment we were exposed to during those crucial development years, but there is probably some genetic effects thrown in there as well. We all had to find ways to cope with it. My sister coped with cocaine, food (she is comically fat), and taking care of a jobless crackhead. My brother coped with heroine and a number of other substances. I coped with mostly healthy pursuits, but have had problems on and off with alcohol and pussy.
What got me thinking about this looking at some of my older posts, and realizing how frequently and dramatically my thoughts shift.
All of these posts are about helping you be a better person, and carry a somewhat positive tone.
Then I started writing about how much better I am than you.
I wrote about how fucking delusional you and everyone else in your life is.
I wrote about when I seriously contemplated ending my life.
Shit, this blogs title page is about how I really do not give a fuck if I help you or not.
Now my mind is shifting yet again, so standby for some inspirational shit in a few days.
In the meantime, here are some more instances of the wide variance of feelings and thoughts I have, along with some of the other shit I have done.
I beat the shit out of this kid in high school so bad he was mildly brain damaged afterwards. The only reason no criminal action was brought against me is he fessed up to starting a fight with me. He got heavy into drugs after that. He had a lot of headaches and sporadic memory loss after what I did to him. It was affecting his day to day life, and the drugs were a way to cope. At least that is what some people said. He killed himself a couple of years after we graduated. No one knew if it was intentional. I settled with the thought that I may have been the main contributor to his untimely death and thought, “One less mouth to feed.”
I spent a year and half of my life being the best Big Brother (for Big Brothers Big Sisters) that I could be. I took this kid out on some bad ass adventures, which essentially killed two out of the four weekends I had a month. When his mom thanked me for everything, I almost lost it. I do not know why I was so emotionally moved, but I was.
I wailed like a banshee for a couple of days after my dog died.
I recently reached out to my mother, and a few other people I had cut off from my life. I do not know why other than I had an urge to. My mother told me she loved me, and my sister elaborated with the same statement. I felt nothing, and did not return the sentiment. I thought about them both dying that day, and felt nothing.
I felt accomplishment like nothing I can remember experiencing when I won my first Jiu-Jitsu tournament. I do not remember experiencing anywhere close to the same amount of pride when I graduated college, or while serving in the Navy.
I got a girl pregnant in college, wrote her a check for the abortion, and stopped payment on it as soon as I had confirmation she went through with it. I laughed about it, and told all my friends. They simply looked at me in awe, saying “What the fuck dude?!”
In case you have not figured it out, everything I think, feel, and do is chaotic. This is where my madness lies.
Fortunately I figured out a way to null this, and I do it with building habits.
I have habits built into my day to day life that prevent the chaos from completely taking over. I know I am going to go to work. I know what I am going to eat. I know I am going to workout. I know I am going to go to Jiu-Jitsu. I put half of the money I make into funds I have a hard time accessing after they are there. I recently started driving Uber on Friday and Saturday nights. All of these things are the bi-product of building habits into my life. Just like wiping my ass when I am done taking a shit, putting on a condom when I fuck, or brushing my teeth at night. Everything I do just a habit.
When anything upsets this schedule of habits and I am left to my own devices, anything can happen. I might get married, or leave everything to join the French Foreign Legion. These are the more tame possibilities. My chaotic impulsiveness may put me in a better situation than I was before. But there is no way for me to ultimately know what I will do if left unchecked, so I play it safe by building all these habits into my daily life.