I go back and forth on what I want to do with my free time.
What I want to give the world.
What I want to do for myself
I stopped writing a few months ago for the following reasons:
- I did not have the motivation to do so.
- I was busy with other things.
- I had some content on here that could get me fired should someone find.
- I did not believe my own bullshit anymore. And yes, I think a lot of what I previously wrote is bullshit.
I am starting from scratch because it seemed best to tear down everything, and rebuild. I have my older posts hanging out in the ether, waiting to be be brought back to the world. Maybe they come back, maybe they do not.
I was training Jiu-Jitsu on a Wednesday night, in a great mood. High off the the three tournaments I won since starting a year ago. Noticing continual progression everyday. Gainfully employed at a good company doing something I enjoy. I had girls. I had freedom. What more was there to ask for?
I went to do an arm lasso sweep on a brown belt. Nailed it, and heard a pop in my left knee. Hmmmm… Did not feel immediate pain, so I kept fighting. I finished the round submitting him in an Oma Plata. I know he kind of gave it to me, but still. He congratulated me, and my knee felt a little off, though still no pain.
I sat the rest of the night out. The next morning I could not bend my leg. FUCK!
I went into a mild panic attack. I had never been injured before. I felt like this was my ticket, and I was crushed. Now what I was I going to do? No Jiu-Jitsu. No strength training. No cycling.
“I will be alright,” thought I, stupidly.
A few days go by. My knee still hurt. I had no outlet, and I went into a spiral.
I never understood the purpose of relationships. Friends, family, girlfriends/wives, etc… Never made an intent to maintain any relationships with anyone. I have all but destroyed every tie I have had with most people I have known in my life. Only the most forgiving have given me the option of re-initiating a connection. The rest are on to other things.
I specifically put zero value on relationships with women. As far as I was concerned, there was nothing any one woman could give me that another woman could not.
I just so happened to be entering a dry spell with women during this time of injury.
Luckily for me, a good friend of mine from out east came to visit for a couple of days.
He had never been to Mexico, so I suggested we do a day trip to Tijuana. He came, we went, the day was coming to a close, and we were back in the US having a nightcap.
We were talking about many things, and he brought up a girl he had seen while in LA a few days prior. He was smitten.
My usual reply to such a revelation would have been, “Whatever dude. She is just another girl. They are not special. Do not bother, blah, blah, blah…”
Instead I said, “Do not discount that feeling.” He jaw was almost hitting the table.
As if she was listening to our conversation, he got a text from her.
His plan from the beginning was to leave early from my place Sunday, and head back to fly out of LA. It was a Saturday night.
She had suggested that he spend one more night with her before he left. He considered it, and I said, “Hell no dude. We have been drinking all day.”
I did not say much more, as I felt he was smart enough to not do something so silly.
I am writing about this, so you can guess what he did.
I got a call at 7 AM, and he told me the inevitable had happened. He barely made it on the freeway before he got pulled over, upon which he was arrested for a DUI.
He is a tall, handsome, interesting dude. Basically a female magnet. He did not do what he did out of thirst, or neediness. He was simply feeling something that compelled him to take a risk. That realization sent me spinning.
I have never taken a risk for a woman, ever. In fact, I have never really gone out of my way for anyone.
What was this thing he was experiencing that compelled him to do such a thing? We can go into a year long debate as to the impaired thought processes which occur while under the influence, but that would be simplifying this to a degree I do not think can be so cut and dry.
I had very little to do except for think during my free time, given my recent injury. And I came to the conclusion that I was agonizingly lonely, and mostly have been most of my adult life. This realization sent me further down the spiral.
I have this awesome life, and zero people to share it with. Everyone is getting married, having kids, etc… And there I was playing the field like a college frat boy. Moving from girl to girl with zero intent of creating anything with them. Torching friendships because they were not “alpha” enough, or simply for having girlfriends and bringing them around when we would hang out. Getting upset at people for being losers. I do not talk to my family either, because they are emotional and mental drains. I did not give a shit about anyone.
I lost count long ago, but I am thinking my number is somewhere above 200. I have been with wives, girlfriends, girls who swore they were not those kinds of girls, vegans, cheerleaders, dancers, strippers, bartenders, doctors, lawyers, yogis, party animals, girls with good families, girl with not so good families, religious girls, fitness models, single mothers, and the list goes on and on. Throughout all of this, with the help of a internet community called the red pill, I drew a series of conclusions. None of which I will go into right now. These conclusions guided me into the lifestyle I was living. A life I was so completely miserable with, a misery so perfectly ignored for so long, that I could no longer ignore given these serendipitous combination of events.
Along with this, I was shitting all over anyone who got close enough to me. I was a harsh bastard. Calling out every insecurity. Not allowing people to be people. You know you are a piece of shit when no one calls you to hang out.
Strangely though, people would still call. For advice no less. For better or worse, my honesty, objectiveness, and keen perception is a welcome train when someone is in a deep shit hole. But there is a time and a place for it. Now I know that is not all the time, everywhere.
So here I am, baring my soul, wondering what to do.
I am still not sure.
My knee is fine now. Been going to Jiu-Jitsu, strength training, and doing yoga. I feel alright during the week. The weekends are rough. It was easier before because I had women to game, and shenanigans to get into. I thought it a good idea to take it easy on both.
Since I do not know what to do, I decided to stop doing a few things. Gaming girls like a playboy is one of them. Ignoring my feelings is another.
Who knows how this will pan out.