I am not one to shy away from a challenge. I have done stand-up comedy, performed songs on guitar that I wrote, placed in the top 2% of half-marathons, won Jiu-Jitsu tournaments, and am currently leading my company in sales after only being here for a year. I could keep going, but I am not trying to brag.
None of these things would have been possible without one thing, a drive to perform. I do not know if it is inherent, or if it is a conscious choice. Regardless, I put my mind to something, and I make it happen.
I put in the time.
I get my nuts kicked in.
I get distracted.
I keep going.
I recently decided to stop being a philandering fool, and boy has it been hard.
Women hate you when you are not interesting. Dating a girl without the intent to get her back to your place and make her say your name breathlessly, is fucking difficult.
How the hell do guys do this shit?!
I am sitting there trying to get to know them. What thoughts run through their mind. What their past was like. And it is awful. I am not enjoying myself. Neither are they.
Compare this to what I normally do, which is being funny as fuck, aggressively engaging, and leading them on the mating dance of the 21st century.
We go out. Have a couple drinks. I go in for a kiss, she turns away. I laugh, and mean it. Tell her she is going to give in eventually. I have more persistence than she has self-control.
So here I am with this vow to stay away from chasing girls I know I will only enjoy having sex with (which is 99.9% if them), and that vow has already been broken.
I have needs. So does everyone. Maybe my needs are a little more pronounced. I lift heavy weights, and fight. Both things increase testosterone. My sex drive is the same as it was when I was 17.
I understand why most guys my age are not in the same predicament. They are not producing the same quantities of sex drive juice. Everywhere I look, I see girls that I want to sexually pursue. The guys that are “over that life” are only “over it” if they sucked at it, or they do not have the drive. You cannot simply just get over biology, and it is easy to quit a game you suck at.
There are so many ways to get girls. Bumble, OK Cupid, Tinder, Match, etc… It is so easy. I have a need that is easy to fill, and I am purposely not trying to fill it?
I have a date tonight with an Asian girl. She said, “I don’t know what I want…” Easy.
“I will show you what you want. Me, you, this place, this time. See you there.”
I am going to get her back to my place. No doubt about it. Have not been laid in a month, which is a long time for me.
I actually feel pretty good about all this. Which is hilarious, because I was miserable a few days ago because I thought my life felt empty.
Maybe I am bi-polar.
Growth and learning can be a trap. Once you know something, it cannot be unknown. I knew love once, true love. As cheesy as that sounds, but I blew it, and I will probably never experience it again. C’est la vie.
I do not think I would have experienced what I did for the last few weeks had I not experienced that love. I have tasted the forbidden fruit. I had a beautiful woman love me without condition. She cooked, massaged, gave regular blow jobs, and enjoyed life with me. She encouraged me to embrace my masculinity. What the fuck am I supposed to do after having that?
I am glad I make good money. I can afford to spend money on drinking dates. I can afford to go out every weekend and blow a hundred dollars a night.
Being thankful is a good way to alleviate depression. Granted you have to have something to be thankful for, and at times it is hard to pull those things to the front of your mind.
I am thankful for a lot right now, and I am going to get some tonight. So much for not sticking to my guns. But if I really wanted to, I would. Ya dig?