The weekends are the worst. I struggle to make it through the slowest, and loneliest 60 hours of my week (end of work Friday to beginning of work Monday). While everyone else seems to love their magical weekend time.
“Yay! I can’t wait for the weekend. Happy Friday!!!” Barf*
I am working on not being so miserable all the time. Well, I am not miserable all the time. I am only miserable when I am not working, lifting, training Jiu-Jitsu, or doing yoga. All of my free time outside of that is a struggle to not feel completely worthless and alone. This happens mainly during the weekend. I can only do so much lifting, training, and yoga in a 60 hour period. I write as well, but all writing does is allow me to express in words on a screen how miserable I am. It is not a good enough distraction.
I occasionally see a friend in LA for the weekend, and he has some cool friends. We go and do cool shit like a last minute day trip to Vegas, or going sailing for a day. I am wonderfully distracted throughout this, but at the end of it all I still feel empty. As if it never happened.
Someone said I was depressed, and it made sense. Not sure when it started, or what caused it. Regardless, something resembling depression has been there for a while. As long as I am pumping my body full of endorphins with working out and kicking ass at everything I do, I am mostly fine. Drowning myself in women and alcohol helps as well. But that usually leaves me feeling worse than when I did before. If I am not doing any of the above, I sink into a dark hole.
I do not want to take medication. I do not want to see anyone. I want to figure this out on my own. It is not due to foolish pride. I simply want what I want, and in this case I want to do this on my own. So that someone that I mentioned recommended I get a B12 shot.
It was an interesting experience. You go to this naturopathic medicine place, tell them you want a shot, you pay, go behind a screen, pull down your pants, take a breath, let it out, feel that needle slide deep into your ass. and the bite of all the B12 magic go into your body. Not going to lie. I am pretty damn upbeat afterwards. I am bouncing around in my chair, listening to some funky tunes, and typing away with resolve.
There is still a realization of how pathetically lonely my life is. The only human interaction I have had all Saturday was at Jiu-Jitsu, and with the coffee shop girl I ordered my coffee from. During the week I go home to my apartment, and no longer venture out. I used to go out to a bar a couple days a week hoping that I would meet someone else as miserable and alone as I was, and we could find solace in each other’s company, but that never worked out. I would just get drunk, and not wake up to workout the next day. It was a band-aid solution.
There is a girl sitting a few tables down me. She is cute. More importantly, she is giving me an eye or two. I know when I am invited, but I cannot bring myself to do anything about it. I am a good looking guy, in shape, clever, and confident. What gives? Well, I told myself I was going to abstain until I right myself. Talking to her goes against that.
I live in a world of abundance. There will always be more girls. I can pass this opportunity, and everyone henceforth for a while. When I decide I am good and ready to build a healthy relationship, she will be there. This is assuming that I have misjudged the vast majority of girls I have dated thus far, and they have all been angels I could not recognize as such. I am still doubtful of this.
If I get comfortable with myself, and still find nothing but vapid women with nothing to offer but their bodies, I can always get back to being a philandering fool. I will cross that bridge when I get there.
I kept thinking about a move called “A Single Man” throughout the day. It is about a college professor in 1950’s LA who had this wonderful relationship with another man. He had died in a car accident sometime prior, and this man had been suffering ever since.
The movie starts off with him preparing the path to his own suicide. The contrast is slightly dull throughout the movie to reflect his feelings, I think. The contrast becomes vivid during instances where he finds a little bit of joy in his life. It does not last long before it fades back to dull. This is how I feel from day to day.
The problem with having joy, being happy, content, or whatever, is everyone and their mother is always talking about how great their lives are. You are the only miserable sack of shit in a crowd of “I love life!” type of people. So instead of seeking help, I feel like a gigantic idiot that missed out on all the fun life has to offer to those smart enough to see it, which is everyone BUT me.
I remember one time at a networking event I asked a group of people how happy they were on a scale from 1-10. Everyone said 10… Seriously?! You are all super duper happy all the time?! I call bullshit. But it does not matter what I say. In order for me to get by with the vast majority of people is to lie with them, and nothing gets solved.
I get it. I have no legitimate reason to complain. I am a white, straight, male, living in 21st century America. What else is there to want? Human connection? The thing I am completely lacking, and have been for a long time? Bah! Happiness is about pursuing your goals, finding your passion, loving yourself, seeking your higher self, and embracing the universe!
If life and happiness was all about the above, how the fuck did we make it this far in society? The vast majority of people who have stepped foot on this earth were farmers, simple tradesmen, baby makers, or soldiers. They were not hyper obsessed with finding themselves, yet still found a way to enjoy life enough to continue living it. They were not buried in their smart phones, watching stupid reality shows, and reading books on natural living. They were engaging with the real world, and life had meaning in a way we cannot even imagine. It was a way of life that has all but been destroyed.
I am ranting now. If there is anything to be gained from this, I would say stop lying to yourself and to others. Come out and say it. This shit sucks. We have it all, and we have nothing.
Your husband does not spend enough time with you and the kids because he is busy trying to support your upper middle class lifestyle. Your wife is never in the mood because she is too stressed out from her job. Your kids are electronic addicts who will go crazy if separated from their devices for more than a day. You are a single, and most of your friends are in soul crushing relationships, or blissfully (probably deceptively) happy to the point of nausea. You spend your nights filtering through matches on Tinder, attempting a date every now and again. It has been a while since you have had sex, so you go home with them because, why not?
Is it Monday yet?